Bakeram Yoga

The law and I have had a long and somewhat tumultuous relationship.  It began when I was 16.  Up until that point I really wanted to be an astronaut or an actress.  In my perfect world I would get to do both.  Then came my junior year of high school and a lot of AP science courses where I promptly realized that I did not like science that much.  To be very honest, it was just boring.  At the time, my mother suggested to me that I think about law.  She pointed out that I was quite argumentative and had no problem speaking in public.  She even reasoned with me that a lawyer gets to do some acting in the courtroom to convince the jury of her client’s position.  I mulled these thoughts over in my head and decided that it made sense.  I liked politics and was thinking more and more that that was where my life’s purpose was and all the politicians I knew seemed to have law degrees.

In undergrad I became very immersed in Texas politics and rationalized a law degree as a good booster for my political career and a good plan B if I ever decided that I was tired of politics or needed to put children through college.  Then there was law school itself.  First of all, it was located in Houston.  The city and I did not get along the first time we met and spent 3 years at each other’s throats.  It is only recently that we have come to some peace.  I didn’t mind the school part.  I had always been a good student and enjoyed reading the case law and learning the stories behind the litigants.

However, that is when my tentative relationship with law began to completely fall apart.  Law school was everything I was not.  It was all about conforming, keeping your mouth shut and being scared out of your mind (especially first semester!).  I did not conform, ever.  In fact throughout my life I would often make a point of doing things just because they were non-conforming.  I liked to argue politics and would argue with anyone pretty much anywhere.  This sounds all well and good, but after awhile, it was just too much.  I was exhausted.  I was generally the only one in my class that was willing to argue the liberal viewpoint of an issue.  The pressure to follow the established law school track was intense and there was no help for anyone who wanted to deviate from it.  I never dated because the men there simply couldn’t handle a woman that was as smart as they were.  Luckily I had some really good friends and I was still involved in local politics.  That and my desire to get the hell out of Texas kept me sane.

By the time I arrived in DC in January of 2005, I was pretty much convinced that I would never practice law.  I forced myself to take the Maryland bar because I figured I might as well just in case.  It was not a fun experience and my antagonism with law grew.  However, after three years of trying to stay employed in politics, I was tired of job searching every time the money for my position got cut off.  Law beckoned to me seductively.  Come practice it said, we will give you a decent salary and guaranteed employment.  So I started applying to law firms.  I was still applying to political jobs, but I reasoned, if something came through on the law side, I would see what it was like.

Within a week, I had two interviews with small firms.  I decided that it was fate and I took one of the offers.  Over the next year, I discovered exactly what it was like to practice law.  It was a topsy turvey year and not one that I would ever like to repeat. Needless to say, when I moved to the Bay Area, law and I were not on good terms.  However, I was trapped.  This is how law gets to you: you pay all that money for the legal education, then you pay to take the bar, then you pay bar dues.  Then you move out of the jurisdiction and have to re-take the bar.  Despite the fact that it costs another $5,000 to do it and I wasn’t sure I wanted to practice anyway, you do it because you spent all that money already and if you want or need to practice again someday it would be a shame to have wasted all that time.

Fast forward a year.  I have just finished taking the bar for the second time and it really got to me this time.  It was hard and the questions were unfairly random.  I am tired and I want nothing more than to chunk it all out the window and leave law behind forever. But somehow I know that it isn’t going to be that easy.

My dear readers you will have to forgive me, this post has absolutely nothing to do with yoga or baking, but instead just the inner workings of my head that need to somehow get out on paper in an attempt to get them to make some sort of sense.

I am taking the bar again at the end of July because I didn’t pass it in February.  Which means I am studying again.  This time around I am not doing a course, but instead I feel like I have a sense of what I need to work on so I have structured a schedule around this.  Problem is, I am incapable of making a schedule that is actually doable.  This goes hand in hand with my love of to do lists and of crossing things off them.  This creates a bit of a problem to say the least.

I decided that this time around I wasn’t giving over my entire life to stuyding.  I just couldn’t do it again so soon.  I need things to stay somewhat normal.  This means that I was going to do yoga, run, have my weekends free and get time off to go see my sister in Houston and a family reunion in Taos.  So last week, I sat down to make a schedule.  Keeping all this in mind, I figured I could devote about 4 hours a day to studying.  Suprisingly that is way harder to fit into a day than you would think.  Then I went through all of the subjects I needed to know and started putting them into the schedule. However, if I was being honest with myself (which I wasn’t) I can’t accomplish in 4 hours what I put down for a day.  Most days probably have closer to 5 or 6 hours worth of work in them, especially when you add in the time to go to the bathroom, search the fridge for snack food and just generally procrastinate which I find if I don’t alot time for it just festers into an entire wasted afternoon.

So here I am today, on day 4 of the lovely schedule and I am going to be behind.  I spent 5 and half hours yesterday studying and promptly burned out on today at hour 3:30.  Additionally this weekend, I made a giant to do list and Alex and I worked through the majority of it, which was quite impressive and oh was it so much fun to cross it all off.  However, I worked myself into the ground and fell asleep at 7:30 p.m. on Sunday night. So needless to say, I might possibly be a bit sapped.

So I did what I always do when I am in need of study motivation, I called my sister, Peggy.  She is a medical student and so has much experience with studying and burnout.  I started to regal her with my lack of accomplishments and promptly got a lecture back from her about how I need to prioritize and that I couldn’t work my into the ground and burn out now.  Furthermore, my schedule seemed entirely unreasonable and I needed to rework it.  To which I replied, “But I don’t wanna rework it!  I just want to get it done!” To which she basically laughed at me.  Which was probably exactly what I needed. Although entirely not what I wanted, I wanted some magical way to accomplish everything on my schedule and my to do list and somehow remain a sane person.  So I will work on the schedule.  I will attempt to make it more reasonable while still including the important parts.  And yet, once again, I will attempt to work on one of my biggest challenges in life: to accept my value as a human being and stop pushing myself so hard to be a human doing.  Big sigh.

It is official: staying home is the new going out according to Marie Claire.  Today, I indulged in a pedicure which my feet desperately needed.  One of my favorite parts about pedicures is all the very girly, ridiculous, outdated magazines that I would never actually buy, but I admit to really enjoying reading.  They are kinda like junk food reading.  There is no real substance (yes, veggies have all sorts of really good health benefits and surprise, surprise, men like blow jobs!).  But they are brightly colored and have lots more colors inside which draw me from page to page.  Lately these magazines have started writing many “cost saving tips” (although buying a $100 dollar skirt does not count as a “steal” in my book) amongst the rest of the articles. One of these such articles proclaimed that gone were the days of mojitos and 3 course meals and instead people were having friends over for dinner.  It then proceeded to detail a couple of recipes to make for your first dinner party.

I hope this trend continues.  I have loved dinner parties for as long as I can remember.  When I was younger, all of the major holidays had large formal dinners associated with them.  We didn’t normally have people over because we didn’t have any close family.  But they were still large productions and so much fun.  We would have a family meeting during dinner a week or two beforehand to plan the meal and then assign the dishes to each person.  Everyone in my family cooks very well so it was always quite tasty!

I was always in charge of setting the table.  It was always an elaborate procedure, but it just looked magical when it was done.  I would spend a good hour ironing the white linen tablecloth and napkins.  Linen is really hard to iron, but there was something almost meditative about it.  Then I would carefully take the tablecloth off the ironing board and lay it across the table.  I even grabbed the iron and would work on any creases it acquired in the move. Next came the silverware.  We had acquired an extra set of real silver from my father’s parents and it was so heavy and cool in your hands.  His mother was very strict on manners and I learned from her exactly how the silverware should be set and in what order in conjunction with the plates and glasses.  Once the silver was set, it was followed by the plates and then the glasses (both water and wine).  Then I would place the candelabra in the center of the table and make sure the candles were secured.  This was followed by the salt and pepper shakers (did you know that salt tarnishes silver so you should always store salt shakers sans salt?) and placement of all the serving bowls and their accompanying serving spoons. Once everything was set, I would step back to admire my handiwork and feel all nice inside.

As I have grown older, I still like throwing dinner parties.  I threw them in my studio in DC where we had to sit on the floor because I had no furniture and then more and more when I met my husband who actually owned furniture!  When we got married, we were fortunate enough to get a set of china.  I love this china probably more than is warrented for a set of plates.  Tonight we are throwing a small dinner party for some friends of Alex from work.  I have throughly enjoyed going through all the motions of getting ready for the party tonight.  The table is set and it still looks magical.  I hope this dinner party trend continues even when people can afford to eat out again. I know my friends and I will keep it up.

Yesterday was a good yoga day: yummy as a favorite teacher of mine would say.  I have been feeling very low energy lately and getting through yoga and my runs has been something of challenge.  But yesterday was good.  Alex took Sophie to work with him.  This left me with extra time and energy before yoga because I there was no Sophie walk to do.  So I decided to bike to yoga for the first time in a bit.  It felt so nice to stretch my legs.  They had so much energy running through them and it just felt wonderful.  I felt unstoppable.  The cool morning breeze blew through all around me and I flew to yoga.

I got to yoga all nice and sweaty with my muscles feeling nicely stretched out.  The class isn’t normally particularly difficult for me and this morning I just flowed through it.  I felt like I could get just a bit more out of the twisty poses.  When the choice of child’s pose/down dog/another vinyasa came up, it seemed the natural choice to go through the vinyasa and then press back into down dog and just feel the nice stretch in my arms and shoulders.  It was just lovely.  I remembered what it feels like to really feel apart of my practice and to feel at one with my body instead of constantly feeling like I was fighting it (and then yelling at myself for fighting it instead of just accepting where I was that day – my brain is capable of creating so many chances to yell at myself!).  My body felt very connected and it was very nice.  Now if only I can accept with grace the other days my body is not quite so happy with me

This spring has been full of starts and stops and I keep waiting for it to actually stick.  One day it is bright, sunny and warm out and the next day it is cold and cloudy.  My mood seems to follow this ebb and flow of the weather too.  Last week it was so sunny and so warm (a bit too warm for my non-air-conditioned house) and I was happy and soaring with the thought that spring had finally arrived and hoping that it would stay warm.  I brought out my favoritist brightly colored sun dresses and wore them with abandon. This week it is cloudy and downright cold and I am cranky and the world just feels so very blah.

After I took the bar at the end of February, I had great hopes for the start of Spring.  I figured that out here in warm California land, like my home state of Texas, March would signal the end of the coolness and the beginning of the warm up to summer.  I was very much looking forward to the new start.  I would be done studying and worrying about the bar and I could begin to get my life (and the house!) back in order again.  While I studied through rainy, cold February I imagined myself sitting outside at a cafe sipping coffee and typing away on my computer while the warm sun warmed my shoulders.

Alas, this did not happen.  It has gotten warm a couple of times, only to get cold again.  I feel like actual spring/summer has to be quite around the corner, I am just not sure where or when it will appear.  I feel like this mirrors my life at the moment.  I am trying to start out on a new path, but at times it is harder than I expected.  I feel like there is something wonderful out there just waiting to happen or for me to stumble upon, but I don’t really know where it is or how to get to it.

I keep retreating in: back to the safety of my home.  I am sleepy in the morning and it is hard to leave my warm bed.  I feel like I need to be dealing with things at home and getting them prepared for something.  I am just not quite sure what that something is.  Even my yoga lately has been very slow and I seldom have the energy to get through the more difficult sequences or hold a pose for very long.  I find myself often choosing child’s pose instead of holding down dog or taking the extra vinyassa.   I am no good at waiting so whatever I am waiting for, I hope it reveals itself soon and I can go back to being me: back to bounding out of bed in the morning, back to attacking my to do list with excitment and lots of energy and back to a yoga practice where pushing myself to new levels feels so good to my muscles and my body.

Spring, wherever you are, I am waiting for you!  Not so patiently, but I am doing my best.

When I was little, I remember my mother making me a mixture of lemons and lots of honey to help soothe a really bad sore throat.  It was delicious.  There was something about the interplay between the very sour lemon and the the spoonfuls of yummy honey she would add in.  Then she would heat it up so it was nice and warm.

As I grew older I took the recipe and added hot water to make a “lemon tea” that I made for anyone that was sick or starting to feel that way.  I have been not feeling so well the last couple of days.  It started with stuffed up sinuses which progressed into a sore throat and coughing. Yesterday, the shit hit the fan and I was achy all over and didn’t want to move much. I am blaming in on too much flying. We didn’t have any lemons so Jake made me some lemon tea out of key limes.  There was lots of love in it, but the key limes just didn’t quite do the trick.  So last night he, I and Sophie headed out for our evening walk to the nearby grocery store to get some lemons.  Then he made me the tea and it was just exactly what I wanted.  For that split second that I was drinking it my throat didn’t feel like knives were tearing it apart.

Last night I tossed, turned and coughed in the way you do when you are sick.  I had crazy dreams that seemed even more real than usual.  Then about 4 a.m. in the midst of one of my coughs that was just dreadful, I had an idea.  What about if I added fresh grated ginger and mint leaves (from my very own mint plant that is going crazy) to the lemon tea?  I have read that ginger is supposed to have healing qualities and the mint it seemed would help break up the crap in my chest.  So this morning, into the small saucepan I put

• juice from one good sized lemon (the softer the skin outside the juicier they seem to be)
• about an inch of ginger grated with my dear microplane
• and a handful of mint leaves
• a coffee mug full of water
• a good drizzling of honey (I like my pretty sweet so I am very generous with the honey)

All of the amounts of these ingredients can be played with according to your tastes. Then I let it heat up and boil for a minute to get everything all mixed together. After the minute passed, I turned off the burner, put the lid on and just let the whole mixture set for a couple of minutes while I started some cinnamon buns for Easter breakfast tomorrow. Then I strained the whole mixture and am currently sipping.  It is really delicious.  The flavors seem to meld together nicely and it seeems to be forcing up the crud in my chest.  I hope everyone is feeling nice and well, but if you aren’t give this a whirl.

In the mornings I generally have chocolate whey protein powder with milk and oatmeal.  I like my oatmeal old school style so I make it with whole oats on the stove with water and a some raisins thrown in for a bit of sweet.  It is a yummy breakfast and it fills me up.  So this morning, I thought, I can cut out the milk (minus about 100 calories-yeah!) and just put the whey powder directly into the oatmeal which will make a lovely warm chocolate concoction that still has protein and and oats.

So into the pan all the ingredients went.  I added in some extra water to account for the extra dry ingredients and started cooking it.  It smelled lovely – kinda like hot chocolate cooking.  I was all excited and then I started eating it.  It tasted awful, well maybe not entirely awful, but as I worked my way through the bowl (cause I wasn’t going to waste it!) it become more and more chalky and gross in consistency.  So to all of you out there that think putting protein powder in oatmeal is a wonderful idea, I strongly recommend against it!  Now I am off to wash the taste of it out of my mouth!

In addition to being a baker and yogi I am also a runner.  Today, I had a revelation of sorts, but first some history of me and running that seems like a good thing to share with you my lovely readers.  I have been running ever since my freshman year of college when I realized that I wasn’t going to play tennis for 3 hours a day so in order not to pile on the pounds I should do something else.  So I started running.  I didn’t enjoy it at first.  It was hot and sweaty and involved really early in the morning to get it done before I went to class.  But over the years, I have grown to love it.  It has been one thing that I have consistently done for the last 11 years.

The problem comes is that all my crazy head issues come out in my run and seem to be amplified because in running you are supposed to be hard on yourself and the “better run” comes when you just beat the crap out of yourself.  But the victory is sooo sweet.  When I beat my personal best and have just a really good run, I feel like I am walking on air, like my whole body just flows together and it is lovely.  So I push myself and heavily criticize myself when I don’t measure up. This makes the good runs really good, but the bad ones just suck. I am working on having just ok runs and being fine with this, but it kinda a struggle.

Enter my wonderful new puppy, Sophie (pictures!), who is just wonderful and the cutest thing ever.  I always tend to shy away from running partners as my run is generally my time to just be.  Although in recent years, I have had really nice runs with Jake, Jane, my sisters and some adventuresome friends.  You see running is way more personal that you might imagine.  Everyone has a different pace and different way of going about the run.  I have always wanted a dog to run with though.  I had visions in my head of sprinting along the path with puppy at my side, tongue hanging out (off the leash of course because the dog would be very well trained) and the two of us  just being at one with the trail and lovely day outside.

Yeah, not so much.  It turns out that a dog has an even more different pace than humans which is further complicated by the fact that they have four legs instead of two.  This is further complicated by the fact that Sophie enjoys running, but she would just as rather go chase the nearby bird, squirrel, bike passing us, or bark at the nearby dog and starting lunging for him.  So a run with her involves me winding up the leash and not being able to use one of my arms to pace myself and then letting the leash go as she settles into the run, but being constantly wary of any approaching interesting object to her.  It doesn’t sound like much, but I am realizing that it has basically turned my run upside down.  My times are bad and it is much more tiring to run when you are constantly on alert and reigning in a puppy. So I have been a bit down on running and sad that things didn’t quite measure up to what I had envisioned.  I know, shocking, expectations not met.

But today, I was running along and I had one of those lovely “aha!” moments.  I realized that if I were to apply yoga philosophy to my run, then each day the run should meet me on my path exactly where I am that day.  If there are lots of things for Sophie to chase, then I need to take the time to address that and somehow let go of my need for a good running time.  Besides, there is no reason that I have to get good running times.  It is just my ego.  Theroeticallly I am running for the exercise for both me and Sophie and I would do good to remember that original aim.  Sophie needs me to be patient with her while she learns to be a good running puppy.  Perhaps she also trying to remind me that there are so many interesting things to sniff out there that I really should do some sniffing myself.  This won’t be easy cause a good run releases so many endorphins, but perhaps that is no longer worth the cost.

I have been studying for the California Bar for the last two months which would account for my blogging silence.  It has not been pleasant because law has never been particularly nice to me and being required to work on it full time was an interesting experiment.  In this intense studying period, I have notice something slight, but interesting to me.  In both yoga and law, it is referred to as a practice.  I have a legal practice, but I also have a yoga practice.

As I think about my yoga practice, I feel that it is a process of learning and discovery.  There are those “aha!” moments when I finally figure out exactly how to get into a pose or oft-repeated words of a favorite teacher finally make sense.  These moment are often followed in rapid succession by  having a completely off day where my body does not want to do what I want it to do or insists that it just wants to go into shivasna.  But overall, I feel that in yoga it is ok and accepted that you will gradually make your way through the asanas in whatever way you need to that day.  As a favorite teacher of mine said, “Yoga meets you on your mat each day wherever you are.”  It is encouraged that you should listen to your body and even rest when you are tired and not getting anything more beneficial out of the pose.  All of this combines together to make me excited and not afraid to try new things for fear of failure.  I almost need to fall over or do something ridiculous to really learn the new thing and incorporate it fully into my practice.

I say all of these things about yoga because the practice of law is so fundamentally different, but yet I wonder if it was more in the way of yoga would be a nicer profession for everyone involved?  Law practice is filled with fear.  It begins your first day of law school.  You inevitably have one of those stereotypical professors who feels it is his job to beat you into submission.  All in the name of teaching you to “think like a lawyer.”  It is furthered through a brutal grading process and jobs that only go to the top of your class.  Once you get out of school, you have to take and pass the bar.  This is a brutal two month study marathon followed by a test that is somehow supposed to measure whether or not you know enough law to practice.  Then once you actually get a job, the partner you work for reigns supreme and often he or she is not a nice person and makes the office environment toxic.  There is no room for learning from your mistakes, there is only harsh criticism for anything that goes wrong, because of course, it is your fault.  It has nothing to do with the fact that you don’t know what the hell you are doing.

I have such awful feelings associated with practicing law and such warm and fuzzy ones associated with my yoga practice.  I can’t help but think that lawyers would be a much happier group if law was practice like yoga.

I have been using the holidays as an excuse to do more than my normal amount of baking.  This year I decided that since money was a bit tight, I would bake everyone’s Christmas presents.  I started with larger batches of strawberry marmalade and salsa as the core of my gift giving and then went from there.  I made Christmas cookies, challah, and granola.  Then there was a request from one of my sisters, M, for biscotti as part of her Christmas present.  I have made biscotti in the past and have had some success with it.  So I went to my trusty pile o’ papers of recipes and hunted for a lemon walnut biscotti that I remembered making in the past.

I had just broken down and bought a microplane from Williams Sonoma (which is wonderful!!! so much easier to zest than with just a regular cheese grater.  I highly recommend it!) and so my lemon zesting was super nice and easy. I mixed all the ingredients together divided the dough up into three balls and then proceeded to smush them down into rectangular pieces to do the first baking.  I put them in the fridge for three hours and then suck them in the oven to bake.  This is where it gets tricky.  Two of the logs, as the recipe refers to them as, baked perfectly, but one didn’t.  It was slightly burnt on the bottom and hard to cut up into pieces.  Oh well, I thought, more for me to snack on with my coffee.

The next day Alex was on a coding spree for his wonderful new language called Nil and I thinking of things that I needed to do to keep myself occupied.  I started counting the biscotti and realized that I didn’t have quite enough to give out.  I started feeling creative. I liked the lemon walnut recipe, what if I were to replace the lemon parts with some chocolate chips, almonds and a bit of almond extract?  Then I would have a lovely chocolate biscotti addition too.  So into the kitchen I went.  By this time Alex was ready for a break so he helped me chop up the almonds and chocolate chips.

It is generally pretty simple to mess with a cooking recipe because there is very little chemistry involved in it.  Not so true with a baking recipe.  So I wanted to make sure that I kept the liquid to dry goods ratio the same and that I didn’t mess with any of the other ingredients too much.  So I took the recipe and subtracted out about 1/4 of cup of  flour to account for the missing lemon juice.  Then added in about 2 teaspoons of almond extract and another 2 teaspoons of vanilla to create  a good background flavor for the chocolate chips and almonds.  Then I split up the batter and smushed them into logs and stuck them into the oven.

50 minutes later out they came.  This time there was one log that was perfect and the other two were too crisp and not what I wanted.  So Alex and I further inspected the logs to see why one had done so well and the others not so much.  It appears that the thicker I made the logs, the better they did.  It also seems that the recipe isn’t really enough to split it up into three logs, so perhaps next time I made this recipe, I will only split it up into two logs.  I think also it would be advised to take out at least another 1/4 cup of flour for the chocolate almond biscotti.  We will see how the family likes them at Christmas.  Let me know if any of you make the recipe with any of the further additions and have more tweaks to it.  Thanks!