Yoga was hard today. While we do the poses my teacher always talks about something to bring your mind and thoughts into the poses. It is a way to approach the different poses in different ways each day. Today is Election Day. So today she talked about voting and making choices both for you life and for the world. She asked us what choices we wanted and needed to make in our lives. My heart almost screamed out, “I don’t know what to do.” I could feel the tears coming to my eyes each time she repeated it. I am at a crossroads in my life right now. Growing up my dreams for the future centered on work and finding my “dream job” in politics. I desperately wanted to be a part of the “Beltway” and work to make the world a better place. My dream didn’t work out and I am still mourning it while trying to figure out what I do next. My dreams each night are filled with conflict and people yelling at me. They range from mildly frustrating to all out awful and I wake up drenched in sweat and petrified. I am constantly exhausted from all this.
As we moved into the standing poses, she asked us what we stood for. I could answer that easily. I stand for caring and loving other people and trying in my own little way to make the world a bit brighter. I enjoy taking care people and like to help them where I can. For as much as my life did not go in the direction I originally wanted, there have been many wonderful things along the way. I have a wonderful husband, a supportive family and the best friends ever. I get to live in Silicon Valley where is generally sunny and a perfect temperature.
Then she asked us to stand up for ourselves in this world and speak back to all that criticism whether internal or external. My inner voice spoke back and said, “but what about if the criticism is true?” I am more than capable of standing up for other people. I am a lawyer, I can walk into a courtroom and convince a jury that my client was wronged. However, talking back to the critic in my head is much less easy.
My yoga teacher also told us that one of the definitions of voting was to vow. She asked us what we would commit or re-commit ourselves to in our lives. My inner voice replied that I needed to re-commit myself to figuring out what comes next. However, this leaves many more questions than answers. I left yoga today with my thoughts running in circles in my head. I guess I have lots to ponder.