My dear readers you will have to forgive me, this post has absolutely nothing to do with yoga or baking, but instead just the inner workings of my head that need to somehow get out on paper in an attempt to get them to make some sort of sense.
I am taking the bar again at the end of July because I didn’t pass it in February. Which means I am studying again. This time around I am not doing a course, but instead I feel like I have a sense of what I need to work on so I have structured a schedule around this. Problem is, I am incapable of making a schedule that is actually doable. This goes hand in hand with my love of to do lists and of crossing things off them. This creates a bit of a problem to say the least.
I decided that this time around I wasn’t giving over my entire life to stuyding. I just couldn’t do it again so soon. I need things to stay somewhat normal. This means that I was going to do yoga, run, have my weekends free and get time off to go see my sister in Houston and a family reunion in Taos. So last week, I sat down to make a schedule. Keeping all this in mind, I figured I could devote about 4 hours a day to studying. Suprisingly that is way harder to fit into a day than you would think. Then I went through all of the subjects I needed to know and started putting them into the schedule. However, if I was being honest with myself (which I wasn’t) I can’t accomplish in 4 hours what I put down for a day. Most days probably have closer to 5 or 6 hours worth of work in them, especially when you add in the time to go to the bathroom, search the fridge for snack food and just generally procrastinate which I find if I don’t alot time for it just festers into an entire wasted afternoon.
So here I am today, on day 4 of the lovely schedule and I am going to be behind. I spent 5 and half hours yesterday studying and promptly burned out on today at hour 3:30. Additionally this weekend, I made a giant to do list and Alex and I worked through the majority of it, which was quite impressive and oh was it so much fun to cross it all off. However, I worked myself into the ground and fell asleep at 7:30 p.m. on Sunday night. So needless to say, I might possibly be a bit sapped.
So I did what I always do when I am in need of study motivation, I called my sister, Peggy. She is a medical student and so has much experience with studying and burnout. I started to regal her with my lack of accomplishments and promptly got a lecture back from her about how I need to prioritize and that I couldn’t work my into the ground and burn out now. Furthermore, my schedule seemed entirely unreasonable and I needed to rework it. To which I replied, “But I don’t wanna rework it! I just want to get it done!” To which she basically laughed at me. Which was probably exactly what I needed. Although entirely not what I wanted, I wanted some magical way to accomplish everything on my schedule and my to do list and somehow remain a sane person. So I will work on the schedule. I will attempt to make it more reasonable while still including the important parts. And yet, once again, I will attempt to work on one of my biggest challenges in life: to accept my value as a human being and stop pushing myself so hard to be a human doing. Big sigh.