With pregnancy seems to come insomnia for me. There is this witching hour around 4 a.m. where my body just gets too uncomfortable to sleep. Today it happened at about 3:30 a.m. – so much fun! So I made some honey walnut bread for breakfast (and I also cleaned up the kitchen instead of leaving it disasterfied for my dear husband to clean up), watered the plants in the greenhouse and iced the brownies for my yoga teacher training potluck today. Which got me thinking, this is my last weekend of yoga teacher training. I feel some sort of need to think back on the past nine months and ponder what I have learned, the wonderfulness of the program and where exactly I want to go with it from here. Yesterday, our teacher Joyce suggested that we write mission statements to read to today at our closing ceremonies. These statements were to be short and sweet and apply to the next year or two.
This got me thinking, mission statements always sound like a good idea in principle. They are supposed to keep you on track and provide guidance when you are making decisions about what to do in life. They represent your ideals and hopes for the future. This is about the point where a little voice in my head says,
“but Eva, these are just wishy washy touchy feely things that don’t actually provide direction, but instead just make people feel better about not doing the right things. They had good intentions, life just happened along the way.”
I think my problem is that far too often people, actually mainly organizations and corporations, have these flowery mission statements about all the wonderful things they believe in and then they go right ahead and completely disregard these ideals to do whatever is particularly expedient in the circumstances. I saw this time and time again in political circles. People had an idea of doing good, perhaps even really believed in it, put pen to paper and then it got shoved into a drawer or buried in a website never to be referred to again.
Yoga, and the philosophy surrounding it, has such high ideals. It really speaks to me, I believe in it in a way that I haven’t believed in anything since I was a young, idealistic politico. The problem is, politics hurt me really badly. It stabbed me in the back time and time again when I just wanted to make the world a better place. Like an abusive relationship, I keep trying long after I should have thrown in the hat and left. Logically, the answer is that I just shouldn’t believe in something that much. I shouldn’t expect people to be good all of the time and when they do bad things, I should remember not to take it personally. But there is still that bright eyed and bushy tailed 18 year old in me that really wants to believe that this time I have found something that is real and that I can believe in again. She isn’t sure she can take the destruction of her ideals again. However, I would like to think that I have more wisdom now than I did at 18, and am more capable to protecting myself and standing up for myself. I guess only time will tell whether I will be able to protect myself while still being able to keep myself open enough to find that idealistic hope if it exists.