Note before I start: I am very excited to meet Walter and be his mother, I am just very frustrated at the moment and venting tends to help me let go of things.
“You have a stress fracture in your foot. That means no running and no yoga for the next 6 weeks.” the doctor said to me after pushing on and poking my foot in different ways to see what hurt. I was in shock. I knew that my foot hurt enough that running for the next while was out of the picture, but yoga too?
“You could bike or swim though, but nothing high impact on your foot.” she continued on. “Great,” I thought, remembering the last time I had a foot injury and was told to swim. I like swimming ok, but being told that I should swim just makes me hate it. I never feel like I get as good of a sweaty workout from swimming or biking, it just isn’t the same as a good long run or a good mysore practice. It just makes me very cranky.
I walked out of the doctor’s office this morning and got in my car and just bawled. I couldn’t stop, I felt like I was losing it. I know that the hormones in my body are all sorts of nuts at the moment because of being pregnant, but losing my yoga practice in addition to my running was just more than I could take. Pregnancy is hard and once you get towards the end everything just gets difficult to deal with. You are bulky and big and it hard to get up out of chairs and tie your shoes. Your organs are all misplaced and so you get nasty reflux (everything tastes very gross coming up the second time around) and you have to pee all the time. Additionally you can’t sleep because being comfortable is a state you just can’t quite get to. Even if you do fall asleep, you have ridiculous and crazy dreams that make sleep not all peaceful or restful. This just all adds up to the point where you get stir crazy, very cranky and sad.
However, today it felt like I lost the last piece of my life that was really still mine, my running and my yoga practice and it just sucks. Exercise (the very sweaty, exhausting kind) is how I have coped with my anxiety for most of my life. I am not at all talented at running or yoga, I am just stubborn and I love the way I feel once I finish a long run or a good practice. I feel like I can let go of all the crazy in my head and just relax, for a brief time in life it is ok to be exactly just me. Whenever life hands me shit I put on my running shoes and head out the door. Nothing has changed once I come back, but the chance just to be and think always helps me. Pregnancy brings a whole new level of anxiety to life. You have this whole other being to care for and you desperately want to do everything you can to keep him safe and secure. Now I have all this anxiety and I have lost my favorite ways of dealing with it. Logically, I know that I will just have to do other things to take its place, the problem is that they are never as good. I know because I had plantar fasciitis about 7 years ago. I hadn’t started a yoga practice at the time and running was what I did. It took me a good year to heal and get back to any sort of running and then another six months before I work up to the same run I was doing before I got injured. Let’s just say that the next six weeks (which ironically enough is the exact time to my due date) is going to be a bear and I am not looking forward to it nor the time it will take to rebuild my run and my practice.
Although, I have this nagging thought in the back of my head that says this is the universe knocking me over the head to start meditating which I dislike. So here we go….