Waiting is hard. When I was little, I used to make up little stories in my mind to distract myself from remembering that big exciting things were going to happen. It worked sometimes and other times I was just overcome with impatience and excitement. I am 31 years old and I still get excited and wake up early on Christmas morning. Granted it isn’t the 3 or 4 a.m. that it used to be, but I am generally always up by 6 a.m. (truth be told, my sister Peggy dictates this so that little Christmas can be accomplished at the proper hour, but I think I would be up regardless). I think that is why I was wide awake at 4:47 a.m. this morning. It is my due date and I was just filled with excitement to meet this little guy. Now granted I am not having any contractions at all and I have this funny feeling he has no desire to leave his warm baby enclosure to face the world any time in the next couple of days, but I am still excited.
The problem for me is when the excitement turns into impatience and anxiety. I feel like I am walking that line a lot lately. The build up to a baby being born is intense. You spend 9 months getting prepared both mentally and physically. Then there is all the things that need buying and acquiring. I have been immensely fortunate to inherit a good chunk of baby things from a favorite yoga teacher and the rest from one of my best friends. So now, due date officially arrived, I sit here and look at the nursery which is all put together just waiting for its little occupant to arrive. My to do list is done and most consists of things that while it would be nice to be done, really aren’t necessary and exist mainly to keep me busy. I have even cleared my to do list of long term items like putting our wedding pictures in an album (only almost 3 years after the fact!). Now I wait and try to keep the side of excitement and stay away from the anxiety and impatience.
I feel like the key to all of this is something I have been trying to do now for a long time: just to let it all go and go with what comes. To realize that as much as I would like it, I can’t control what happens in life. Truthfully, the non-planned, non-controlled things in my life have been the best. Often the things I think I want have just made me miserable. Now I work on remembering this and actually applying to my life so that I can let little Walter enter this world at a time of his choosing because he needs that.