So every once in awhile I am going to just blog about being a mom. I know it doesn’t really fit into the subject area, but it is helpful for me to write about it so I am going to do it. 🙂
Today I realized just how exhausted I am. I came home from my first foray into mommies groups. I had a good time, but I was unusually tired. I thought, I will just lay down for a minute and bribe Walter to lay down too by nursing him. I lay down and got Walter situated and the next thing I know I am waking up and Walter has long since finished nursing and is passed out at my side. It is two hours later. I think about getting up, but this wave of tiredness just rolls over me and I almost can’t move. Walter woke up and started to get fussy so I popped him back on the boob again to buy me some more time.
In times past, it takes me awhile to fall asleep. Lately, I just pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow and I just feel weary and bone tired when I wake up. I know this shouldn’t be a surprise to me. Moms seem to mostly always be tired, but lately I thought I wasn’t tired. Lately I thought that I had things under control. Life has seemed doable so it is surprising that I am so tired.
Back to my yummy iced coffee. Actually, here is my tie in for this blog post. My friend Donna, who is also a mom of two adorable little boys who are 2 and 1, had this fantastic idea. She makes a pot of coffee in the morning, drinks her cup and then sticks the pot in the fridge. Then you have iced coffee in the afternoon. It is simple, but just brilliant! The added bonus is that I have good iced coffee as opposed to the crap that you generally buy that has lots of sugar in it.
Last Friday, I went for my first run since Walter was born. Yesterday I went back to mysore and today I went running again. I am beginning the very slow climb back to some sense of in shapenss and baby weight loss. It is a rather interesting experience. On one hand, I am super excited to be back at it again. It was really hard when I was pregnant because I knew that each time I went to yoga or for a run that the next time would be more difficult. I was in a downward slide physically as I got more and more pregnant and I knew that at any point I would have to stop until after Walter was born. So now it is wonderful to know that at this point I am at my worst and it will only get better from here. Each run should get easier and I will gain more and more of my yoga practice again.
Now the flip side of that….it hurts! It is painful in a way that in the past, I would be cursing myself for stopping working out for whatever reason I had and swear to never stop working out again. The fact that I have a perfectly good reason for stopping this time doesn’t seem to make the pain any less. Alex decided to be my trainer and encourage me to run faster. My legs felt like jelly after about two minutes. My body also feels foreign to me. When I run I feel oddly disconnected and just plain awkward. I can feel all the fat bouncing and bearing down on my c-section incision. In my practice, I notice that I have no arm strength to do chaturanga dandasanas or really an pose that requires me to use my arms as a substantial part of the pose. I am just plain weak.
I have always thought of myself as strong physically. I have never been super skinny, but I always have had physical strength from doing work on the farm when I was growing up or staying active as I grew older. To lose that strength gives me pause and makes me think about my self perception and listen to that voice in the back of my mind that says, “your body is different now, please be nice to it,” and wonder exactly what that means for me in the coming months. The one thing that is still the same is how good it feels to finish the workout and how fantastic the shower afterwards feels.