Inside the crazy mind of a woman attempting to get pregnant

Alex and I want to have another child.  We are actively trying to make this happen and it is making me crazy and oddly enough no one really seems to talk about this.  It seems to be discussed in hushed tones of “we are trying”  or “we would like to have another child, but it hasn’t happened yet” However, I need to talk about it in the hopes that it will make the  voices in my head SHUT UP!  The first couple of months of trying is fun.  I didn’t really expect it to happen right away and the sex life of parents with young children tends to be rather non-existent since the last thing you have energy for at the end of a long day is attempting to be sexy, so it was fun to focus on it again.  Then after a couple of months, my type A personality starts to kick in and I begin thinking, “What is going on? Why is this not happening?”  With Walter, that was about the time I actually got pregnant, so they craziness was minimal.  However, this time around, that has not happened so the craziness seems to get a wee bit worse every month.  I should say for about two weeks every month because that is the time between when you ovulate and the time when you get your period and find out whether you are pregnant or not.  I think for the first two weeks of my cycle, I am pretty normal.  I can drink, I eat sushi and I don’t worry if my bind in D is going to somehow cause me to miscarry.

This month has reached monumental craziness because of one single fact: with Walter, I missed my period, took a pregnancy test, it was negative, but lo and behold and I was still pregnant which I figured out about two months later.  Luckily the extra wine I drank during that time doesn’t seem to have affected Walter much!  I thought it was a fluke – somehow I did the pregnancy test wrong last time or something.  So this last month, Alex and I do a bang up job of having sex at all the right times.  Then around day 20, I start bleeding and do so for three days.  I scour the internet trying to figure out how to differentiate between an actual period and implantation bleeding which, as it turns out, not really much different.  So I am not sure what to think.  Then on day 24 I start feeling nauseated and just generally yucky.  I hit a wall in my practice when I hit floor poses and despite my attempts to just push through, I just don’t have enough energy.  The nauseousness disappears as I take the first bites of lunch and I realize that I am starving.  These are all similar signs of pregnancy to what happened to me when I was pregnant with Walter.  So I wait a couple more days until what would have been the first day of my period, and take a pregnancy test, it is negative.  Then I wait another three days, til this morning.  Take the pregnancy test at 2 a.m. cause I am awake and cannot sleep.  It is negative.  I give up on sleeping and just go work on my computer.  I finally fall back asleep only to have Walter decide it is time to get up.  Oh and I am still feeling nauseated today.  Do you see how this can make a person crazy?  Basically either I am just making all of this up or I am actually pregnant and the tests are lying.  So at 4 a.m. I emailed my ObGyn and asked if there was anyway I could get a blood test done with the hope that it will be more accurate and end all the craziness going around in my head.

Logically this is all ridiculous.  I have to laugh at myself because I spent a good part of my high school and college years (and honestly even into law school) having nightmares where I was pregnant and I hadn’t actually done anything to get pregnant!  I didn’t want children then and was pretty convinced that having one would ruin my career and my life.  I think I must have taken all that abstinence only sex education that our lovely Texas schools taught quite seriously!  Well it turns out that life changes and as it changes, I changed too.  Having a child at a reasonable age with a partner I love is a whole different idea than randomly getting pregnant at 19.  It also helps that as far as I am concerned, working doesn’t agree with me and I enjoy life much more when I am my own boss at home (weeeelll, Walter would disagree with that, but I need to hold onto some of my delusions!).  However, as it turns out having children has nothing to do with logic and everything to do with emotions, so if you see me just keep this in mind.  I can’t promise I will be more sane once I am actually pregnant, you can ask Alex what I was like last time.  Thank you very kindly for listening to my rant.

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