So I have a confession to make, I have been off my weight watchers plan for awhile now. I am not sure exactly when it happened, but then I got sick and stuff and things and more excuses. However, I keep going to the meetings on Saturday mornings with the hope that somewhere somehow I would find the motivation to get back on the horse again. I try to keep reminding myself that I have lost 25 pounds so far. Then the mean, nasty nasally voice in the back of my head says, “but you still should lose another 25 pounds, the first 25 don’t count.” That voice is not nice and I don’t like it, but still it continues to talk….
Through this plan hiatus I keep thinking maybe I don’t need to lose the rest of the weight, maybe I can be just fine right here at this weight. It isn’t a bad weight, I am healthy, I am strong and did I mention I have had two kids? I logically know that my body is different now. And yet, I remember how it feels to be thin. How it feels for my jeans to look to smokin’ hot on me. How it feels to wear my bikini and not feel uncomfortable because I know I look good. I was there before and I enjoyed being there, but it was HARD to get there. It involved a lot of watching what I ate. Of planning ahead to make sure that the restaurant friends chose had healthy options. Of making dinner as much as I could so I could count on the fact that there wasn’t hidden oil somewhere even though I had ordered what looked like oil free fish. Of packing food when I knew that there wasn’t going to be anything I wanted to eat where I was going. Of saying “no” over, and over, again.
Since Walter was born, I feel like I have given in more to the unhealthy food in the name of it being “kid friendly” and Walter will eat it. However, I don’t necessarily enjoy that idea. In fact, I kinda hate it. I hate making more than one dinner for us. I hate the idea that Walter isn’t getting a more balance diet because for the life of me I can’t get a green vegetable into his mouth. But I also try to remind myself that this is normal. It seems to be what kids his age do. However, recently I have started making just one dinner more and more for our family and it feels good. Walter even eats things from time to time that I would never have guessed he would have eaten. His Grandma Howe and he had a race the other night to finish to finish turkey chili that had tomatoes in it. He and I had locked horns over tomatoes about two months ago and he refused to eat them. He finished all of the tomatoes in the chili. I feel like our whole family’s nutrition has gone slightly down hill in the name of having things that Watler will eat. This makes me sad.
I had a long chat with my therapist this week (they are wonderful for these things!) and came to the conclusion that I would really like to lose those 25 pounds and feel comfortable and happier in my own skin. But I also realize that the motivation to do it isn’t going to magically appear. If losing weight were easy, I would have already done it. It isn’t for me and I just have to accept that. I just have to dig in and do the hard thing. The good things is that I happen to really like doing hard things. I also need to address the emotions going on when I want to eat a lot of sugar. That is where my therapist is oh so helpful. She has me starting a chart. Oh, how I love charts!
I am writing this though because I need the help and support of you, my friends and family. Can you please help me with this?